When you grow

 Conversation takes you down roads long lost and forgotten, pulls out the potholes of life you might as well keep hidden. It brings out the sweet innocence of a time gone by, smiles and tears of joy, nightmares, heartaches, doubts and fears. It could in a second create a world where things rewind it self or walk into the future five years from now.

Its funny how we keep different people in our lives for different reasons. It doesn't mean that i like any of them less or more- its just that each person beings out a hidden facet in me- each person is precious and each holds the other string of my incomplete life. 

I was wondering just the other day why i have three best friends. one has been my best friend all throughout my school life- we have kind of lost touch, but with her million years apart is like nothing. my other best three quarter  has been a source of inspiration, a sponge sucking up lifes miseries out of me, though i often wonder why things never worked out between us- i do know that it is for the better, for right now i couldn't bear to live a life without his gentle footprints on my life. The next is a wacko- not exactly my best friend though but he used to call me that and i just felt i owed it to him to acknowledge him the same, although we have been close for some time before there is a growing distance between us. I know.

and then there are others. like people i used to care about so much that I could have easily gone through any deep sea just for them. People i have loved and lost. People who i couldn't bear to share at once upon a time but who I now try to fix up. I think i like the role of mothering someone- the heck- i love it!/ For when i see someone looking up to me, asking me for advice and looking at me for guidance; I feel a sense of pride and love in me that hardly ever comes up. It is greater than any personal achievement i make. Knowing that you can be a pillar of support to another is the best gift i could ever get.

So when you grow you become so many things to so many people. For one you will be his other half- loving him, fighting him and giving the best part of my life to. For another you are the soul mate, always to your rescue. A best friend, a kid, a sister, a on-and off pal..... the list could go one and on. But the question i now have is when you do pass your 20's and you have your hands full of responsibility as a mother, as a wife who will you chose to be. Many cannot take both at the same time- one is better at one thing. But who will i be? 

I want to be the loving mother i never had- wit, laugh, love and care. I want to be the wife who will always be the husband's shadow- showering him with love and adoration, I want to be the daughter his mother never had.... I want to be so many things. But i also want to be me.

But who am I? When you grow do you lose yourself, adapt to the role you play or become someone you want to be? Will i ever know who i was meant to be, who i really am and who i will be ten years from now?

Will i ever be free? no bonds, no strings, noone but myself. And if that does happen will i be able to live?

Guess i'll never know huh?

Collecting treasures

I collect treasures, or at least i like to think that.

On the palm of my hand i hold the memories of days gone by, of emotions i've over come of smiles and tears and a whole lot more. In my heart i hold the faces of the very many who have left their footprints in my life, from those who tread gently to those who stamped. In my memory i collect these treasures and hold on to them as if my life depended on it. So yes, i do collect treasures- treasures of life and love and hope.....

Some of my most poignant memories of recent past is dedicated to that one person who found his way into my heart. He has its key and even if he has thrown it once in awhile, he never threw it too far to reach. His smile makes me all whooshy inside, his lips make my tummy grumble, his eyes makes me lose myself. He is a weaver- weaver of dreams and words. He can do anything and get away with it, just by his craftiness of words- and he knows it, which isn't that great. With his hands he can bring out feelings i never knew i had, show me a world where only we exist. The warmth of his body wraps me up in a blanket of love his hands protecting me from the world; his heart beating a rhythm that matches my own. And if someone ask me what i like to do best, i like to sit next to him with my ear on his heart listening to its low drawn song. I like to snuggle in- heart to heart. I like to feel his chest on my back, his arms holding me tight- most of all i like being next to him, with him and love him.

He brings out feelings i never knew. Makes me want to take risks i would never have taken. He makes me scared of my own self but with him everyday is an experience. 

So i collect the treasures of you and me and will hold on to them till the end of time. I wouldn't know if i could have you forever or if i want to but i do know that i wouldn't forget you. 

I wouldn't forget my first kiss... I would never forget you... 

You have nestled in well in a place in a quiet place called my soul.

Start of something new

Well here i am at yet another beginning. Blogging- sigh! when did i ever think i'll give way to this madness? But since i hardly have time to maintain a journo or even open one in the first place- this will, from today become my daily place of quiet thoughts, or so i hope.







Its funny how you long for things you have never had- for trips around the world exploring the exotic beauty of the unknown, glorifying in its beauty, mesmerizing in its views and exhilarating in its perfections. I long to take a cool dip in the waters around the world- lie on the sandy beaches, a towel wrapped lightly around me with a cool drink in my hand. I long to experience the quiet touch of a man who loves me for who i am not who he thinks i am or i should be. I want to bask in the happiness of his lips, the calm of his eyes and the sweet murmur of his words. I want to travel to great heights i've only heard about, with him by my side.




Wanderlust have always been my thing. ever since i remember all i've ever wanted was to travel- to experience- to see. I wonder when that will ever be. If i ever could- the way things are going now with the hectic assignments scheduled, time spent with the special someone and sleeping in the little time i get; I wonder if i will ever be able to fulfill MY dreams. To see and know what i have always wanted...




I want to travel on the tail of the bright giant kite, wish upon stars lieing on the plain green grass, go skinny dipping in the middle of the night, sleep beneath willowed towers cuddling next to that him. I want to dance in the rain locked in each others eyes, to steam a window with the heat of the night- to be close, to be his all. i want to be loved the way i love them- with everything they have. I want to stroll down the beach hand in hand covered by the dusky colours of the skies. I want.... I want... I want so many things I thought i had but is not sure anymore.




I want to be the center of someones universe so that it wouldn't matter if it is in the middle of the night or afternoon he will always find his way to my arms. That he wouldn't feel embarrassed or ashamed to show me how me he loves me regardless of the countless men and women surrounding us. That he would hold my hand like he would never want to let go- kiss my cheeks just because and look into my eyes pulling away all life's miseries....




I am a hopeless romantic, that i am- but that is who i am. That is who i will be. Tough luck.