Vous et moi

i'm walking down a light-less lane
thinking to myself
the times gone by, the things left unsaid.

i'm laughing to myself
seeing us passing by-
giggling like two lovestruck teens
running down the line.

no care in the world, no pain-no tears
holding hands and sneaking off- to our parent's fears.

down the rickety stairway
running through a maze- books and papers strewn across
but no hesitation in the air.

you and me-
like only we can be.
hugging, kissing, holding
moments of madness and dear.

hidden behind boulders
smiling to ourselves
exploring each other
with a love only we could tell.

misty with heat
dewy with love
sandy with sea
and loved by the light-

we found each other
in quiet hasty moments
in crashing waves
and howling seas

you and me boy-
just you and me
in the times gone by
it was only just you and me.

(you and me)

I think It's about time that we hit the stop button.

Out

Get out,
out of my life.

and stay out.

Thank you.

Happiness

Why are you my enemy?

Love

has lost its spark.

I **** you

I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you
I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you

I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you

I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you

I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you

I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you

I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you

I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you

I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you

I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you

I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you

I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you

I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you

I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you

I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you

I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you

I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you

I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you

I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you

I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you

I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you

I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you

I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you

I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. D_ -_-_. I Love you.

But why?

...

Where the fuck does happiness go?

For one stupid moment i think everything is perfect
that the bad memories are drowned

Who the fuck am i kidding?
Happiness is always followed by a tear.
and you asshole
you are the cause of it all.

But i still want you,
stupid me

Tell me

It's not that I don't love you baby
but it's because I do
I don't want you to be unhappy, my baby
not in this life, it's true.

will we continue this facade?
driving each other insane
or will we end this now
and remain friends- in a true and lasting blend

or if we do commence
when will we finally end
the anger
the hurt
the pain
the sorrow
the madness
we inflict upon each other.

I don't know baby, even if i want to
if things will change or continue the same.
if both our egos- so big and so fine
can survive each others threats

I don't know baby, i really don't
if this is healthy or if this is cold
but i don't want us to hate each other
once this thread of love snaps break

baby, i don't know if i can take it
i don't really know
if the words you keep hauling
will ever stop and cure
if the blows you keep sending
will finally all subside
or if with time and anger only multiply

i'm not a loser baby, nor am i a fool
i'm not helpless even if you think i do
i have so many years ahead of me darling
but will it all matter
if each day you keep killing me
with your words, glances and hate.

I'm only twenty one my darling
i'm only twenty one
a baby, in so many's world
an infant in disguise

but with you i feel like i've lived long enough
to see what i have seen
to be where i have been- to hell and heaven and back.

i don't want to feel like that my darling
i don't want to feel like this
i want to live my life, my baby
with happiness, love and bliss

but can you give me that, my baby
can you give me this
can you change your ways, my sweetheart
and help me with this shit

can you help me build my life
with happiness, love and trust
or will you continue breaking it
like you break my heart

will the change you want me to see
be limited only to the mind
and if when reality hits
you'll be by my side

will those angry words be traded
for the loving words i adore
will the hands that slaps me wash away
the pain that i go through
will you hold me true, my darling
and tell me if all this is true
or will we go on just the same
till you
or I
finally decides
that death is way overdue.

Would You?

It's funny how i defend you no matter if your right or wrong
but baby would you do the same?
would you hold me in your arms like a mother would a baby
giving all comfort and care in the world


would you be the one, my one true love
would you be the hero i look for in my dreams
would you shoulder my pain
cover me from the rocks and boulder heading me way?


or would you join them in the laughs
mock me in my despair
fool me out of my mind
so that i would be a twisted piece of ash in your palm.

"You yourself, as much as anybody in theentire universe, deserve your love and affection." 
                      Lord Buddha

My Life

If the story of my life can be sumed up in a song, this is what it would be.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRDpn7ePJrc

"

On the first page of our story, the future seems so bright.
And this thing turned out so evil, I don’t know why I’m still surprised.
Even angels have their wicked schemes and you take death to new extremes.
But you’ll always be my hero, even though you lost your mind.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
But that’s alright because I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie.
I love the way you lie.

Now this gravel in our voices, glass is shattered from the fight.
In this tug of war, you’ll always win, even when I’m right.
Cause you feed me fables from your hand,
With violet words and empty threats and it’s sick that all these battles are what keeps me satisfied.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
But that’s alright because I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie.
Ohhh, I love the way you lie.

So maybe I’m a masochist
I try to run but I don’t wanna ever leave.
Til the walls are goin’ up in smoke with all our memories.

[Eminem]
This morning, you wake, a sunray hits your face
smeared makeup as we lay in the wake of destruction
hush baby, speak softly, tell me I’ll be sorry that you
pushed me into the coffee table last night so I can push you off me
try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me
run out the room and I’ll follow you like a lost puppy
baby, without you, I’m nothing, I’m so lost, hug me
then tell me how ugly I am, but that you’ll always love me
then after that, shove me, in the aftermath of the
destructive path that we’re on, two psychopaths but we
know that no matter how many knives we put in each other’s backs
that we’ll have each other’s backs, ’cause we’re that lucky
together, we move mountains, let’s not make mountains out of molehills,
you hit me twice, yeah, but who’s countin’
I may have hit you three times, I’m startin’ to lose count
but together, we’ll live forever, we found the youth fountain
our love is crazy, we’re nuts, but I refused counselin’
this house is too huge, if you move out I’ll burn all two thousand
square feet of it to the ground, ain’t shit you can do about it
with you I’m in my f–kin’ mind, without you, I’m out it

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
But that’s alright because I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie.
Ohhh, I love the way you lie.
I love the way you lie.    "

How to know

How do you know when its not meant to be?

is it when you cant seem to reach each other?
cant make them understand you?
is it when all you want is everything you know he wouldnt do?
or is it when you realize that what you want is things you dont get?

when the old dreams and hopes come crashing in and you wish fervently that it'll be just that
a surprise
a boom
a bang of love.
is it when you look at your friends and wish you were her? getting that adoring look- the rings and the smiles
is it when you realize that what you have is not enough?

is it when you find yourself crying yourself to sleep,
wishing that he'll see what you want?

Circle

A circle.
with stones
scattered.

nothing much.
only just that.

Slip it on,
picture perfect
nestled at the base of the finger

A ring.
A circle
with stones.

Every time you touch it
feel it
slip it on;
    you remember,
    that special someone
    that love in your life

    his love
    his understanding
    his commitment.

Again,
Its just a ring-
a circle
with stones,
scattered.

I wish i had one
my very own circle
my ring
from him.
  

Do

Trust
Hope
Faith

Love
Joy
Understanding

I'm willing to give it a chance

Is it worth it?
i dont know
is it a mistake?
i hope not

do i still love you
yes of course

will u love me?
please do
will u hurt me?
please say you wont.

will you protect me
please
please
please do

Hurt

Its like thousands of pins
are pinned on my body
holding me hostage
in a world of pain.

That,
is what you left me with.


Are you happy now?

Hurt

I wish

that this wasn't true

that

you are not the monster you were last night.

I wish,

that the love we shared at the beginning

still remained

stronger than before.

I wish,

I didn't have the tears in my eyes

while my mind is thinking of you.

I only wish...

You.me and that nobody

I sit here, my fingers tapping away, reading and looking at old photographs- the way you smile, the way you hold me, the way i look at you.

it's all gone now, hasn't it? you love me no more. you want me no more. You say you do, probably to cover your guilt but in the heart of hearts you know it isnt true. that i have become nobody to you. from someone to noone- when did this happen? how come i didn't know? or was it that i was just too dumb- to foolish to overlook the ripples in the water- that i was running behind something i wanted, needed to keep so i brushed off all other signals.

you talk to her like its the most normal thing. you smile at her, walk- no, run towards her when you see her. while i stand behind you- a nobody in a crowd, a waving piece of dust hanging in the air. she looks at me with scorn, her friends watch while i walk away, to hide in a crowd of unknown people. they look- smile with scorn and all the while you- yes, you speak to her.

noone has made me feel so small, so insignificant the way you and her did. you put me there. and you say there is nothing wrong. of course you dont- you have your eyes locked on to the curve of her hip and you are oblivious to that person you just minutes ago said you wanted to marry to someone else.

you made me believe you. you made me love you, time and again you made me trust you despite warning bells go on in every direction. you made me make you a part of my life.

while all the while,  i was nobody in your life.
that dust that sits on your table until your mother brushes it away.

Hands

Your hand touches my face
my cheek
my head.

it isn't a sweet caress
a soft whisper
a lovely gesture

its a blow
hard
vicious
cruel.
a strike.

your hand that held me and said you loved me
put me to shame, to disgust
your hand that did wonders to my body
made it reel back in disgust

the hands that held me
yesterday,
hit me today.

score

You pick me
Score one
You drop me back
Score two
you bring me lunch
Score three
you buy me a gift
Score four
you finance my likes
Score five, six, seven
you be nice to me
in front of others
Score eight, nine
you make me feel all
queezy
in a good way
Score ten


I take you out
No score.
I listen to you
ranting on
blaming me
for fault of another
No score.
I do your work
even when you dont ask
No score.
I cook for you
even when
there is hardly anything at home
No score.
I finance you
when I can
No score.
I lie
on your behalf
No score.
I do what you want
what you like
even without being asked
No score.


No score.

No score, at all.

what I do
comes with no score
so
how come
what you do does?

I am here

Sitting.
In front of you
I see your smile
the tongue washing your lips.
I see your eyes
wandering
down my face
to a place below my neck.
i see your hands
typing
furiously
to someone
I wait
but
no
its not me.

fool.
I am here.
not her- she isn't.

When you grow

 Conversation takes you down roads long lost and forgotten, pulls out the potholes of life you might as well keep hidden. It brings out the sweet innocence of a time gone by, smiles and tears of joy, nightmares, heartaches, doubts and fears. It could in a second create a world where things rewind it self or walk into the future five years from now.

Its funny how we keep different people in our lives for different reasons. It doesn't mean that i like any of them less or more- its just that each person beings out a hidden facet in me- each person is precious and each holds the other string of my incomplete life. 

I was wondering just the other day why i have three best friends. one has been my best friend all throughout my school life- we have kind of lost touch, but with her million years apart is like nothing. my other best three quarter  has been a source of inspiration, a sponge sucking up lifes miseries out of me, though i often wonder why things never worked out between us- i do know that it is for the better, for right now i couldn't bear to live a life without his gentle footprints on my life. The next is a wacko- not exactly my best friend though but he used to call me that and i just felt i owed it to him to acknowledge him the same, although we have been close for some time before there is a growing distance between us. I know.

and then there are others. like people i used to care about so much that I could have easily gone through any deep sea just for them. People i have loved and lost. People who i couldn't bear to share at once upon a time but who I now try to fix up. I think i like the role of mothering someone- the heck- i love it!/ For when i see someone looking up to me, asking me for advice and looking at me for guidance; I feel a sense of pride and love in me that hardly ever comes up. It is greater than any personal achievement i make. Knowing that you can be a pillar of support to another is the best gift i could ever get.

So when you grow you become so many things to so many people. For one you will be his other half- loving him, fighting him and giving the best part of my life to. For another you are the soul mate, always to your rescue. A best friend, a kid, a sister, a on-and off pal..... the list could go one and on. But the question i now have is when you do pass your 20's and you have your hands full of responsibility as a mother, as a wife who will you chose to be. Many cannot take both at the same time- one is better at one thing. But who will i be? 

I want to be the loving mother i never had- wit, laugh, love and care. I want to be the wife who will always be the husband's shadow- showering him with love and adoration, I want to be the daughter his mother never had.... I want to be so many things. But i also want to be me.

But who am I? When you grow do you lose yourself, adapt to the role you play or become someone you want to be? Will i ever know who i was meant to be, who i really am and who i will be ten years from now?

Will i ever be free? no bonds, no strings, noone but myself. And if that does happen will i be able to live?

Guess i'll never know huh?

Collecting treasures

I collect treasures, or at least i like to think that.

On the palm of my hand i hold the memories of days gone by, of emotions i've over come of smiles and tears and a whole lot more. In my heart i hold the faces of the very many who have left their footprints in my life, from those who tread gently to those who stamped. In my memory i collect these treasures and hold on to them as if my life depended on it. So yes, i do collect treasures- treasures of life and love and hope.....

Some of my most poignant memories of recent past is dedicated to that one person who found his way into my heart. He has its key and even if he has thrown it once in awhile, he never threw it too far to reach. His smile makes me all whooshy inside, his lips make my tummy grumble, his eyes makes me lose myself. He is a weaver- weaver of dreams and words. He can do anything and get away with it, just by his craftiness of words- and he knows it, which isn't that great. With his hands he can bring out feelings i never knew i had, show me a world where only we exist. The warmth of his body wraps me up in a blanket of love his hands protecting me from the world; his heart beating a rhythm that matches my own. And if someone ask me what i like to do best, i like to sit next to him with my ear on his heart listening to its low drawn song. I like to snuggle in- heart to heart. I like to feel his chest on my back, his arms holding me tight- most of all i like being next to him, with him and love him.

He brings out feelings i never knew. Makes me want to take risks i would never have taken. He makes me scared of my own self but with him everyday is an experience. 

So i collect the treasures of you and me and will hold on to them till the end of time. I wouldn't know if i could have you forever or if i want to but i do know that i wouldn't forget you. 

I wouldn't forget my first kiss... I would never forget you... 

You have nestled in well in a place in a quiet place called my soul.

Start of something new

Well here i am at yet another beginning. Blogging- sigh! when did i ever think i'll give way to this madness? But since i hardly have time to maintain a journo or even open one in the first place- this will, from today become my daily place of quiet thoughts, or so i hope.







Its funny how you long for things you have never had- for trips around the world exploring the exotic beauty of the unknown, glorifying in its beauty, mesmerizing in its views and exhilarating in its perfections. I long to take a cool dip in the waters around the world- lie on the sandy beaches, a towel wrapped lightly around me with a cool drink in my hand. I long to experience the quiet touch of a man who loves me for who i am not who he thinks i am or i should be. I want to bask in the happiness of his lips, the calm of his eyes and the sweet murmur of his words. I want to travel to great heights i've only heard about, with him by my side.




Wanderlust have always been my thing. ever since i remember all i've ever wanted was to travel- to experience- to see. I wonder when that will ever be. If i ever could- the way things are going now with the hectic assignments scheduled, time spent with the special someone and sleeping in the little time i get; I wonder if i will ever be able to fulfill MY dreams. To see and know what i have always wanted...




I want to travel on the tail of the bright giant kite, wish upon stars lieing on the plain green grass, go skinny dipping in the middle of the night, sleep beneath willowed towers cuddling next to that him. I want to dance in the rain locked in each others eyes, to steam a window with the heat of the night- to be close, to be his all. i want to be loved the way i love them- with everything they have. I want to stroll down the beach hand in hand covered by the dusky colours of the skies. I want.... I want... I want so many things I thought i had but is not sure anymore.




I want to be the center of someones universe so that it wouldn't matter if it is in the middle of the night or afternoon he will always find his way to my arms. That he wouldn't feel embarrassed or ashamed to show me how me he loves me regardless of the countless men and women surrounding us. That he would hold my hand like he would never want to let go- kiss my cheeks just because and look into my eyes pulling away all life's miseries....




I am a hopeless romantic, that i am- but that is who i am. That is who i will be. Tough luck.